


Sex, Fear

by wekingsandprettythings



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Smut, Trans James T. Kirk, Vulcan Mind Melds, its kinda kinky i dont even know how to tag it all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:54:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23663473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wekingsandprettythings/pseuds/wekingsandprettythings
Summary: in which Jim and Spock enter a friends with benefits style relationship that develops into more rather quickly as Jim fears he's falling in love with Spock.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 10
Kudos: 226





	Sex, Fear

He felt like a whore. Like the biggest, stupidest slut there ever was.

He laid in his bed, reaching out for a person who was no longer beside him. He pressed his head into the pillow deeper, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to force the anger that was growing inside of him away.

This was the third night this week that he has slept with his first officer. It was the third night that he sat there and enticed Spock to have his way with him. And the worst part was that he liked it, so so much. The way Spock’s cock twitched every time he called him sir, the way he gripped his throat as he thrusted in and out of him harder and harder.

Actually, the worst part about this was how badly he wanted to do it all again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

Forever.

He couldn’t even tell you how this all started if he wanted to. All he knew was that one minute Spock was his distractingly hot first officer that he respected more than almost anyone he has ever met, and the next he was pinning kirk against the bathroom door and ripping his undershirt off.

They had flirted with each other in the past, Kirk respected that he was with Uhura but he also liked to put his nose in where it didn’t belong. He liked to say things to rile him up, he liked to make the light green blush rise up his cheeks. He liked to run his hand down Spock’s back softly and slowly after he had been resting it there.

He had liked Spock for so long that when he finally kissed him it felt like coming home. When he finally got his hands on his naked skin it felt like he had been there before. They knew exactly how to treat one another. They worked together like they were two halves of a whole finally being put together.

The second night he walked into his room to ask a question, he was polite and as serious as ever. When he asked Kirk to come closer he felt like he ran to him. Spock had rested his hand on kirks cheek softly, rubbing his thumb on the skin before inching it closer and closer to his mouth. Instructing him to suck on it.

His question was “as you going to be a good boy for me?” to which Kirk always said, “yes, yes sir.”

But tonight. Tonight was different. Tonight was softer. Tonight Spock kissed him while he fucked him, tonight they looked in each other’s eyes, tonight Spock melded with him in the middle, not before asking if he could, to which Kirk obviously said yes.

To feel how good it felt, to know Spock was enjoying it, the fact that he was the source of his pleasure, it made him feel beyond powerful. But there was more, he felt Spock think of him as more than just a fuck, as more than just his captain, the intense affection, the kind that Kirk also felt for him.

The kind of feeling that Kirk would call love. A feeling he feared Spock would never truly feel for him.

He grabbed his pillow, one that still slightly smelled like Spock from the minimal amount of time he rested once they were done before leaving once more, and he placed it beside himself. He curled his body into it, wishing it was Spock. Wishing he would stay after, wishing this was more.

He fell asleep thinking of how wonderful it would be if Spock was his.

-

They shared a bathroom. A small room with a shower, toilet, and two sinks that joined their two rooms to one another.

Jim could hear him in the mornings, singing Vulcan songs in the shower when he thought he wasn’t awake yet, the sound of his razor as he shaved his face, and even little speeches he would rehearse before meetings. As much as he tried to keep the human side down, he had a lot of human traits that only came out when no one was around to see them.

This morning, however, Jim walked in right after Spock’s shower. He sat on the lid of the toilet and he watched as Spock shaved his face.

“May I help you, Jim?”

He shook his head, “have you ever thought about letting the beard grow in?” he asked in return.

Staring at each other through the mirror, Spock stopped what he was doing and just looked at him. “I haven’t had a ‘beard’ since I was a Lieutenant,” he replied.

“I think you’d look really handsome with a beard, Spock,” Jim complimented him.

Spock turned to look at him, leaning against the counter, he crossed his arms. “Are you saying this because you would enjoy it more if I were to grow facial hair?”

“Possibly,” he said with a cheeky smirk on his face.

“Very well,” he turned back to the sink and washed the unmarked shaving gel off his face.

Jim stood and made his way to him, getting onto his tiptoes lightly to rest his chin on Spock’s shoulder and wrap his arms around his naked torso. He rubbed his cheek against the growing stubble and smiled, “I can’t wait to see it.”

Spock reached for his wrist, grabbing it and releasing himself from Jim’s grip. “I will leave, you need to shower before our shift.”

“You don’t-” he began to speak but he was already walking out the door.

Just like that, he was gone and the door was closed and Jim was all alone in the bathroom. “Fuck,” he said under his breath, gripping the counter and leaning into it while he tried to release the anger from his body.

All he wanted was a little bit more romance from Spock. Flirting and soft touches and hand-holding and kisses and little comments about how handsome the other is.

He wanted a relationship with Spock.

He rested his forehead against the countertop, “shit.”

He showered while soaking in his own thoughts, trying his hardest to avoid the fact that he knew that a relationship with the Captain was probably the last thing on Spock’s mind. A relationship with anyone was probably the last thing he wanted. Jim knows he’s been sleeping around, it’s not like he wasn’t allowed to, it’s just that Jim wished it was only him.

He got dressed, brushed his hair into a nice quiff and walked out of his room. He smiled and nodded hello to all the crew he passed in the halls. He knew he could take his time, Spock would take the con most mornings ‘till he sauntered onto the bridge with his coffee most mornings, today would be no different.

“Bones,” he said as he walked right into the Medbay. “I need a word, alone.”

He watched the man grumble to himself and walk towards him, “to my office.”

Jim followed him, making sure the door closed behind himself before speaking. “I did something,” he said softly, looking down at the floor as he felt the shame rise inside him.

“Oh god, Jim,” Bones replied in his classic concerned tone.

He swallowed hard, “um, I’ve kinda been sleeping with Spock.”

“You what?!”

“And-”

Bones cut him off, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes, “Oh god it’s 0900 and I already need a drink.”

“I think I have feelings for him.”

“Sweet Christ Jim, no shit, everyone on this ship could see you liked him you didn’t need to fuck him to prove it!” Bones yelled and Jim was so grateful for the soundproof room. “Not to fucking mention the fact that he’s a literal Vulcan, Jim! Did you do that freaky bond shit?”

“I don’t know, we melded but I don’t think it was a bond, I don’t think he has any intention of bonding with me,” Jim said, physically stressed about this whole situation.

“You’d have to ask Uhura, as weird as that would be I think she’d know the most,” he replied, more calm and helpful this time.

“Oh yeah, I’ll just walk up to her like hey I’m fucking your ex, how do bonds work?” he shot back.

“Don’t come to me for help if you don’t want smart answers!”

“I wasn’t even asking that question! I didn’t even care to think about any of that till you brought it up, asshole,” Jim shouted back. He groaned and rubbed his eyes again, turning around in circles a few times as he thought about everything, “I hate feeling like this, like crushing on someone who’s emotionally unavailable, I know he’s not going to like me, let alone love me one day.”

“Do you love him?”

“Leonard,” he said softly as if the tone itself asked him if he really needed to answer that.

Bones walked up to him and hugged him, holding him in his arms and rubbing his back. “It’s scary to love someone.”

Jim pulled back after a minute, “I’m not scared of being in love with him, I’m scared of him never loving me.”

“The sex must be truly amazing if you’re at this level of crisis,” he said softly.

“Do you know anything about Vulcan anatomy?” Jim asked with a smirk, “let’s just say being dicked down by him is a fucking blessing and if I wasn’t so jealous I’d tell you to try it.”

“I’m sure I’ll stumble across a less annoying Vulcan at some point,”

He smacked his arm and made his way back to the door, letting it open and standing in the doorway, “I hope you do.”

He waited for the turbolift all alone, the hallway was silent at the beginning of the Alpha shift. Everyone was where they were supposed to be, the rest were sleeping. He liked mornings like this, they were calm. Things felt right, safe, orderly.

As much as he liked chaos, he was overly glad for calmness on the Enterprise.

But then the door to the turbolift opened. And Spock was standing there in front of him because of course, he was standing there.

“Captain,” Spock acknowledged him.

He walked in and stood beside him, “bridge,” he instructed the lift.

They were quiet, he didn’t want to look at him, he didn’t want to touch him, he didn’t even know how he could talk to him after he spent the night calling out his name. But then Spock’s fingers reached out, tapping Jim’s where they rested against his side.

And Jim reached back, their knuckles rubbing together softly till Spock linked their index fingers. Jim couldn’t help but smile. It was soft and intimate, so different from the hot, aggressive sex he was used to having with him.

Spock let go right before the doors opened and both of them sighed softly. Jim straightened his shirt out and walked right onto the bridge.

He sat in his chair and he looked out at the stars through the viewscreen. Everyone was doing their jobs, everything was going smoothly, there was nothing to report. They just travelled around the stars looking for whatever the could find.

He glanced at Spock every now and then, wishing he could reach out and touch him again. Wishing for an excuse to take him into the ready room and just hold him. Yet for some odd reason, all he wanted was affection. The sex was amazing, he definitely wanted more of that, but as of right now all he wanted was to be held.

He got up from his chair and walked to the science station, leaning towards him. “I’m going to go have some lunch, Spock you have the con,” he said.

“Actually Captain, I wish to join you.”

Jim smiled, “Sulu, I guess you have the con now.”

“Yes, sir,” Sulu replied with a smile spread across his face as well.

They entered the turbolift together for the second time that day. Barely moving before Spock locked the door and its movement with a level 1 command code. He turned to Kirk, a look of lust and hunger in his eyes as he pushed him against the wall. All Jim could do was let himself be manhandled until he was pressed against the wall and hold onto Spock’s biceps. “I thought you were hungry?” Kirk teased as Spock kissed along his jaw and neck.

“For you,” he replied.

“We can’t do anything here, you know that.”

Spock pulled back and looked at him softly, “do you not wish to?”

Kirk had to tiptoe up a bit to kiss him on the lips lightly. “I do, but not in a space where I’d have to talk to other crewmates. If you fuck me here I won’t be able to focus on anything else with that memory ingrained in my mind.”

“Do you think about us regularly?” he asked with a brow raised.

Kirk felt the blush spreading across his cheeks. “All day.”

“Good.” Spock turned away from him, unlocking the turbolift and continuing on his way to the mess hall.

Jim couldn’t help but wonder all meal if he hurt Spock’s feelings. If turning him down ruined things. He reached out and tapped his knuckles against Spocks once more, looking at his soft brown eyes from across the table this time. Spock looked up from his food to return the look, Jim swore he was smiling.

He looked at him, and with his eyes asked if he was all good, Spock nodded in return. Spock linked their index fingers once more. Luckily no one else was in the room, so they stayed that way till they were done eating in silence.

They stayed interlocked on their way back to the bridge as well, but Jim made sure to lean over and kiss his cheek softly before the door opened. He entered the room with a smile plastered on his face while Spock turned a cute shade of green and made his way back to his station.

“We might need to check on the environmental controls, the turbolift is ungodly warm,” Kirk said with a smirk.

“I vill have Mr Scott check on it, Captain,” Checkov replied, tapping away at his screen faster than Kirk ever could.

-

Working with Spock during the day was easy, there was always something happening that took him out of his thoughts of him. It was easy to go from daydreaming about sucking his cock on the bridge to telling Sulu to plot a new course, sometimes his two-track mind really amazed him.

But at the end of Alpha shift, when all was said and done, he made his way back to his room to have a late dinner all alone and wait for the possibility of Spock coming over. The best part of eating alone was that he could ask the replicator for whatever he wanted without Bones suggesting a healthy option. Sometimes he just wanted to eat a remake of the classic 2000’s happy meal just to feel something.

After dinner, he showered again. He did all the self-care he could think of, he put on a cute pair of underwear, he poured himself a drink, and he laid on his bed watching the door. Spock always came in through their shared bathroom, be it just to talk or to fuck Jim’s brains out. The shared bathroom truly was a blessing in disguise.

The door opened promptly at 2200 hours, just like always. Spock stood there in the doorway, the blue light from the warp trail shining through the window and illuminating him. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of regulation black sweatpants that Jim didn’t even know he had. They rested against his hips, showing that delicious V line.

He swallowed sharply, sitting up a bit, “hi,” he said softly.

“Hello,” he replied, “may I come in?”

“Yes, sir,” he smirked.

Sex with Spock wasn’t just good because he was incredibly skilled, but because Jim didn’t feel the pressure to be the Captain in bed. He didn’t have to be the assertive dominant one, he could slip into the submissive role and allow someone else to call the shots for once. He was in control in so many other aspects of his life, he liked not being in control for a change.

Spock walked closer, he stood at the end of the bed, looking down at Jim. he reached out and lifted Jim’s face by his chin, holding his jaw lightly in his grip. “You are beautiful.”

“Thank you,”

“I wish to speak with you before we begin,” he said, letting go of his face and sitting down on the bed beside him.

Jim felt a wave of anxiety rise through him, but he tried to steady his heartbeat and breathing. He wanted this to be okay, whatever he had to say couldn’t be that bad, Spock would never hurt him. At least not on purpose, or without asking.

“I have decided to stop initiating in sexual acts with others, I feel it is more beneficial for me to focus solely on you.”

“Why?” he asked, not believing what he was hearing.

“Do you not wish me to?”

“If you want to be with just me, that’s fine, but why did you decide that?” he clarified.

Spock rested his hand on Jim’s thigh, Jim absent-mindedly stretched his fingers out to touch him lightly. Spock turned his hand over, palm side up so that the pads of their fingers could touch.

“Jim, for a man of your intellectual level, it is very hard to believe you don’t understand,” Spock replied softly, “I have found myself dealing with intense feelings for you for years now, ones that I can not control any longer.”

Jim wasn’t sure why he felt like he wanted to cry. “Are you saying you want a relationship with me?”

“Yes, Jim.”

In one swift movement, Jim was able to straddle his hips and cup Spock’s face in his hands. “So ask me.”

“Wh-”

“Ask. Me,” he repeated.

“Jim, would you be interested in entering a monogamous sexual and romantic relationship with me?” Spock asked.

“No,” he said with another smirk, “ask me with the human side of you, I know it’s in there somewhere.” He poked at Spock’s cheek, teasing it out of him.

Spock sighed, knowing what he was getting himself into. “Will you be my 'boyfriend', Jim?”

Jim kissed him softly, “yeah, I’d love to.”

Spock stood, picking Jim up as he did so, turning them around and laying Jim back down on the bed. The two of them made their way up to the head of the bed. Jim spread his legs as an open invitation for Spock to press up against him. Spock held himself up with a hand on either side of Jim’s head, looking down at him. Jim smiled, running his hands down Spock’s shirtless sides till he stopped to rest on his hips and pull him in closer.

Spock collided their mouths together, kissing him soft and deep with meaning and feelings this time that made Jim’s heart soar. He could happily kiss Spock for hours on end, his lips were soft, his tongue was hot, the way he lightly humped him made him feel like he was on fire. He loved all of it.

His lips, god his lips were so amazing. Jim sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, feeling Spocks hot breath one his face. He felt Spock switch his weight to one arm as the other snaked down his body, running along his chest lightly before slipping into his underwear.

His dick twitched in anticipation as Spock’s hand dipped under the band, pressing his middle and forefinger against his dick and swirling them before exploring more of his wet heat. Somehow every time Spock touches him, it feels like the first time. Like Jim is mystified by the fact the person he’s been pining over for years is finally touching him.

Spock knows exactly what he’s doing, he knows where all Jim’s sensitive spots are, he knows just how to kiss his neck while he strokes his cock, and how when he finally pushes his fingers in, he already knew that if he curled them in just the right way he could make Jim’s back arch. He stayed there for a while, fucking him with his fingers while terrorizing Jim’s neck with hickeys.

Spock pulled his fingers out slowly and got on his knees between his legs, he slipped his underwear all the way off and threw them somewhere in the room behind him. He ran his fingers over Jim’s thighs in a soft caressing way that made all the hair on his body stand at attention. He wanted more, so so much more.

Jim watched as he leaned down, closer and closer to his dick. He felt himself hold his breath in anticipation, Spock looked at him through his eyelashes once more before sucking Jim’s dick into his mouth.

“Sweet Christ,” Jim moaned, tilting his head back into the pillow and covering his eyes with his arm.

He found himself grinding against Spock’s tongue, not able to sit still as the pleasure coursed through his body. Spock didn’t tell him to stop this time, he didn’t hold him down or threaten to stop if he didn’t behave, he let him do whatever he wanted this time.

He reached a hand into Spock’s hair and tugged gently, making him look back up at Jim. “Spock,” he gasped, “please.”

“Please what?” Spock replied low and deep, the way that made Jim get butterflies.

“Fuck me, sir, I need it.”

Spock tugged his track pants off as fast as he could, and Jim couldn’t help but stare at his beautiful thick, throbbing green cock. He felt his own dick twitch in anticipation for it. “Flip,” Spock instructed. Watching Jim roll onto his stomach, tucking his legs in and sticking his ass out, just the way he knew Spock liked it. Spock smacked his ass just hard enough to make his cheeks jiggle and he situated himself.

Jim felt him get closer to him. Spock pushed in slowly, one hand at the base of his cock as he pushed in and another on Jim’s lower back. He reached back and put his hand on Spock’s gripping it tightly as he bottomed out. 

He sat up so that his back was flesh against Spock’s chest, sitting on his cock he rolled his hips. Spock rested his chin on Jim’s shoulder as he ground down against Spock’s cock. He was so large, Jim felt so full.

Spock brought a hand up to the side of Jim’s face and pressed his fingers against his meld points as Jim started to ride him with more determination, snaking his other arm around to Jims’s stomach Jim’s other hand met him there to interlock their fingers.

He felt all the pleasure he was giving Spock through the meld on top of his own. It was the most intense feeling in the whole world. He wanted to stay in that feeling for the rest of his life. It was euphoric, a high, unlike anything he had ever experienced. He didn’t even feel real, it was so heavenly it could have all been a dream.

“Fuck,” he heard Spock whisper in his ear. “ _Olau tu dan-taurauk_.”

Jim leaned forward, breaking the meld and gripping the headboard and allowing Spock to fuck into him more intensely. The hand Spock was resting against his stomach reached lower, squeezing his dick between his fingers and sending shockwaves through his body.

With each thrust, his fingers rubbed at his dick. He was getting closer and closer, “ _Khrasau nash-veh_ ,” Spock said, interrupting the thoughts Jim was having about how close he was.

“Cum in me Spock,” he insisted, “please, please fill me up, sir.”

Spock thrusted into him again and again and again, grunting each time like he was holding back before he finally came with a shout. Pressing against Jim’s cock and the feeling of him spilling inside him tipped Jim over the edge. He pressed his face into the pillow and came, hard. He was about to scream into the pillow when Spock grabbed him by his hair and pulled him back. He shouted as he finished, moaning and almost crying at the immense pleasure that just erupted over his body.

Spock pressed his body against Jims back, pushing them both against the bed. He was breathing heavy, his face in the curve of Jim’s neck. He kissed his neck and shoulders lightly. “Spock,” Jim breathed out softly.

“Stay still,” Spock whispered back, “I must retract my _lok, t'hai'la_.”

Jim tried his hardest to not clench on him, but the feeling of Spock sliding out of his slick cunt was enough to make him cum all over again. He felt him fully pull out followed by the gush of cum that escaped him, making him shiver and moan just the tiniest bit.

“Jim, I wish to clean with you.”

Jim looked back over his shoulder, rolling slightly to look at him. “Okay,” he smiled.

Spock reached out his hand to help him off the bed as they walked to the bathroom together. Jim peed as Spock turned on the shower, he cleaned himself minimally before getting in the shower with him.

Spock pressed himself against Jim, letting the water wash over them as he held him. Jim pushed his wet bangs off his forehead and just stared at him. “ _Tonk'peh_ ,” Jim whispered up at him with a smile growing on his face.

“Hi,” Spock replied, a similar smile on his face.

He leaned down and kissed him softly. “I never understood the human need for kissing until I began kissing you.”

“I think I love you, Spock,” Jim said softly, “I don’t expect you to feel the same and that’s okay but I love you so mu-”

Spock cut him off with another kiss. “I believe I love you as well, Jim.”

“Good.” Jim wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly as the water washed over them.

Spock was like his safe space, his heaven, his home. Being with him like this, feeling safe and calm and cared for, knowing he was loved and the sex was good, he wanted this to be his life forever. And hopefully, hopefully Spock wanted that as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Olau tu dan-taurauk = you feel most amazing  
> Khrasau nash-veh = i'm coming  
> lok = penis  
> t'hai'la = friend, lover, but y'all already knew that lol  
> tonk'peh = hi/hello
> 
> im slowly learning vulcan, thank you hikeh for all the translation help


End file.
